The Best Two Years of My Life

Beeb,

Sure, they’ve had plenty of ups and an abundance of downs, but I wouldn’t have traded any minute of these past two years I’ve spent calling myself your girlfriend. So, here’s to us my dear, HAPPY TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

Two whole freaking years! Here’s to many more with you, onward to 4, and 10 and 30, and 50 years loving you! We have so much in store and I am beyond excited to see how our path unfolds.

So, what’s been happening lately. Let’s see. Well, we just finished up our 7th trip. You went home last Saturday, January 18th, after 11 perfect days together. We had so much fun. We went away and spent a night in a hotel a few hours away and visited a museum the next day. We went to two movies and countless lunches and dinners being piggies and going out to eat hehe. Mostly though, we spent it wrapped up in each others arms, my favorite pastime.

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t be writing this if it wasn’t for this trip.

A long time from now, we will laugh about this and remember it more positively than I do right now, but unfortunately, we broke up for a little while. In December the distance finally hit me hard and I started to question whether all of this was worth it. Other people had expressed interest in me and the prospect of having someone close just made me crack, I guess. We were on the verge of being done forever, and I’ll always see it as a low point for us. It was never your idea, and I feel like such a fool. I’m embarrassed that I acted on what I thought were feelings for other people, when in fact, they were just feelings of loneliness. I went out a few times with two other guys and quickly realized a big factor. They weren’t you, my babe. They didn’t hold my heart or even know what to do with it. They had never seen the inside me and end up loving me more for it. They would never just know when I was sad, like you did, and stroke my hand without us even exchanging a single word. They weren’t, aren’t, and will never be you. I just needed the reassurance, I guess, and for getting it, I am grateful, because after we rebuild our relationship during this past trip, I realized something.

I haven’t felt this much love for you since the first trip we had together, when you came to see me for Labor Day. Remember that trip? Just laughing and giggling and kissing and wrapping our arms around each other while we swam in the lake? Remember how upset we both were when you had to go? This trip revived how strongly I felt for you then. Nothing felt obligatory anymore, and I realized I am absolutely 100% in love with every part of you, and always will be. So, this is the last time I will say it, I promise, but I’m sorry. Sorry for doubting us babe. Thank you for helping me to believe in us again.

I’ve always wanted to write my worries about having a long-distance relationship, because in my head, they just seem irrational. I’m scared something will happen to you and I won’t be there. I’m scared we are wasting precious time apart, because life goes so fast. I’m worried that once we actually are able to be close to each other, it won’t be what we envisioned, and we’ll hate it.

Okay, that last one is really irrational to me, because I love you, and love when you start to become part of my every day, before you or I leave again.

Speaking of that, let me write about our “plans” right now so in the future we can read this and laugh about how nothing went how we envisioned. Well, you are on your third semester of Firefighting undergraduate coursework, and I’m waiting to start my 2-year nursing school in August. When you graduate in another year, you are thinking of moving here to be with me until I graduate and complete some experience in an acute-care setting. Then I want to join a travel nurse agency and take you with me wherever I go.

Our next trip is still in the planning stages, but we’re thinking about me coming to see you for spring break and my 21st birthday. March 28th-April 6th. It’s one of our more sooner waits, less than 3 months! I’m so excited!

 

Do you know what was a hugely sobering moment for me? It may seem weird or miniscule, but we were cuddling in bed watching a movie and eating Italian ices in our PJ’s and I saw your manly, hairy leg sticking out of the blanket, and I just thought, ‘Wow. We are really grown up. I really love this man and can’t wait until this is our reality. I want him to be my husband and I want to have him be my best friend for life. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather share this comfy downtime or any other experience with. I love him. I love him more than anything in my entire life.’ the feeling that accompanied those words is indescribable. I want you forever. Forever and always, my dear.

So that’s it I guess. This is just a piece of the puzzle that is our real life, and our maze is never ending. Happy two years my dear, I love you to infinity and beyond.

I can’t wait to kiss your handsome face again.

 

Love always and all ways,

 

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11/16/13

Darling,

Time has just flown, hasn’t it? It has rushed past since my last note, since the last time I saw you, and since I saw your handsome face waiting to greet me that fateful January afternoon.
We reveled in the fact that it will soon be two years we have been madly in love with each other, despite only having been in physical contact seven times. I am convinced, though, that I have loved you for a thousand years. Our love feels old. Not in a bad way, but in the way an old book makes you feel or how when you look at a baby, you can tell their past life was just…wonderful. Maybe I just sound crazy, but I just simply cannot remember my life without you. I don’t think I want to. It feels like you’ve been a part of me forever.

So, right now we’re counting down the days again. It seems like the only way to ease the pain of saying goodbye last time is to plan another trip to see each other again. Currently, its down to 52 days. I’ll be able to wrap my arms around you again on January 7th 2014 until January 18th. Three days before our two-year anniversary. Who the heck did that horrible planning? Oh, right. It was me. *sigh*

When will we never have to say goodbye again? You always tell me its in the plan, baby, don’t worry. I love this “plan” of ours, mostly because plans don’t ever go according to how we planned them. It means to me that we are still holding on to a sliver of hope somewhere, but are accepting the reality of spontaneity together. Our “plan” is just us saying that wherever life’s road goes, I want to wander it blissfully with you.

I know in my heart I will marry you. This seems like a wild idea but whenever I envision my future, its a given that you’re always the one I’m spending it with. I want you you to be the first thing I see when I wake up and I want you to be the one I reach for in the dark. You’re the one I love. It’s the only thing keeping me going sometimes. Just remember, the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell, and we’ll be stronger as a result of this distance, even though it is hugely unwanted.

I also know that one day, we’re going to read this together and laugh over the memories, and that warms my heart. Remember the time we went to Santa Cruz and couldn’t find a place to pee anywhere? When we also saw that wedding on the beach, and we kissed when they kissed? Do you recall that time I begged you to watch P.S. I Love You with me, only to fall asleep ten minutes in, leaving you to finish it by yourself? Do you remember that we spent each trip’s eve fighting and I tearfully told you not to come every time? I’m glad you didn’t listen. Remember how every time we talk heatedly about a subject  we’re both passionate about (whether we agree or disagree, that is), we interrupt and talk over each other, making both of us frustrated? Ah the classics of a relationship fueled by the telephone.

We’re a perfect mess of imperfection, but I love you with my whole heart.

I think it was Dr. Seuss who said “We are all a little weird and life is  a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

I promise I’ll write to you soon. Until next time my dear.

Love always and all ways,

Me.

 

 

 

Post-Trip Feelings

My dear.

Will you come back? I miss you already.

Today, I said goodbye to you once again, and I only cried twice. Each time, it seems to be a little more bearable to watch you walk away, our last kiss tingling delicately on my lips. I was okay, until I came home and opened my door, alone once again. My room was still decorated from your surprise for my birthday, and these balloons are just making me sadder.

You are sincerely the sweetest boy I’ve ever met, and I’m so grateful for the external matchmaker that put us together. It truly amazes me that we could have never even met if you hadn’t taken a chance and texted me, a stranger, on a God-given whim. You know I’m not religious, but it’s things like our relationship existing that makes me believe wholly in a generous God. It gives me someone to thank for giving me the wonderful gift that is you.

Your birthday gift was one of the best things I have ever received from anyone, ever. You presented me with a journal of your feelings, kept since the day we booked the tickets for you to come see me. You scrawled little handwritten notes to me about what was going on and how you couldn’t wait to see me. You completely eliminated any future feelings that you don’t care. Plus, you managed to surprise me, which is no easy feat. You have no idea what those pages filled with your child-like scribbled notes and drawings mean to me. It’s all I wanted, and as always, you didn’t fail to make me cry.

We fought a couple times, and I’m sorry I always become angry so quickly. We could probably chalk it up to staying in an 11′ X 8.5′ dorm room for ten days, and sleeping on a twin-sized bed, snuggled together. We made up, though, which is all I could ask for.

Everyone that you met here said the same thing: “I’ve never seen you happier than with this boy.” That’s because you have my heart, babe, and when you leave my life temporarily and involuntarily stops to wait until you come back. In every picture we take, I positively glow with happiness, contentment, and love. You are my future, baby. You’re my Mr. Right, my high school sweetheart, my knight in shining armor, my prince charming, and my husband-to-be. I am absolutely certain of that, since I cannot imagine sharing more than a casual meal with anyone else.

It must be true love.

I’ll see you again soon, my baby, and until then I’ll be here, missing you.

 

 

365 Days

Well, here it is.

It has been one whole year since on this day in 2012 I wrapped my arms so tight around you that they hurt. It has been 365 days of pain, ecstasy, heartbreak, excitement and elation beyond words.  I love you more than I have loved anything, anyone.

On Sunday, April 15th, 2012, you wrote me this:

“Every day I think of you, I don’t know what else to do. You say my name so wonderfully, kiss my lips so magically, and love me so perfectly. You make my days seem so bright, bring so much joy into my life. I love you so hopelessly, want you so desperately.Your arms, your kiss, your skin, your love; I need it to survive. I’d do anything for you at all, and all day every day I wait for your call. You’re what I look forward to, what I dream of, because with you, I’m hopelessly in love. Nothing can change the way the way I feel, and nothing can break a love so real. We’ve been through so much and have only come out stronger. We’ll last forever my boo, and then even longer. You’re the girl of my dreams and I hope I’m the boy of yours. You make me feel safe, handsome, confident, strong, capable, special, and loved. I can never repay you for the things you’ve given me. All I have is love and I hope its enough, because you deserve the best babe, and I want you to be happy. Goodnight. :* “

You’re too sweet to me. You’re like my perfect little hallmark card. The ones that make you feel bad because they’re so perfect that you can’t think of anything to write in them, so you send it with the recipient’s name and repeat the last line of the pre-written message.  Yeah.

Anyway,

It sucks that we have to be so far away on a day we should spend wrapped around each other. I would give my left arm just to be able to hug you with my right.

On this day, one year ago, I was laying in bed and shaking. I was giddy and emotionally exhausted. Not more than a few hours ago you were mine. Granted for only 4 hours, but you were mine in that airport. Yes, we spent our first hours together in the San Francisco International Airport.

I had spent my winter break in Vegas with my sick grandmother (movie-material, I know) and had booked my return ticket that oh-so-conveniently had a 4-hour layover within a stone’s throw from you.

The night before: 

We had a huge fight and I told you not to come to the airport. I told you I hated you. I never wanted to meet you. I’m glad you didn’t listen.

The day:

It had arrived. Luckily, we made up the night before in a sea of tears and “I’m sorry’s.” I woke up positively bouncing. This was it, my life was going to change forever. After this day, I was never going to be the same (of course, I’m speaking from hindsight. I had no idea what you would do to my heart).

10:30 am:

I boarded the plane and said goodbye to you for now. See you soon.

11:38 am:

I told our story to the unsuspecting lady next to me on the plane. I never got to thank her, but she calmed my nerves more than she will ever know.

11:58 am:

We touched the ground. I was in the same state and less than a mile from you. I think I stopped breathing then, and still have not recovered to this day. I texted you and said “I’m here!” to which you replied “Yay!” (You really have to learn to express more emotions.) I called you and said “See you soon” and said goodbye to you for the last time as strangers.

(I wandered around for a bit in the airport on the phone with you trying to find where you were)

The moment: 

“Are you in a black jacket?” you said, and my heart absolutely stopped beating.

“Yeah.”

I turned around and there you were, walking towards me. I recognized you at first sight.

My first thought: “Is that him? Oh god, he’s a lot taller than me.” Yes. My first though about the love of my life was how he can rest his chin on my head. I’m such a hopeless romantic.

We went outside and while walking out the door I said “My first steps in San Francis-” and then I tripped. Hot mess right here.

Sitting on a bench, you gave me your favorite book and I gave you a necklace. Half of a heart, because anywhere you go, you’ll always have my heart. I’m wearing the other half while I write this, and always.

We went to the top of the parking garage where I promptly tried very hard to avoid your kiss attempts. I finally succumbed after an hour and we kissed for the first time overlooking the San Francisco Bay. My favorite place in the world.

After that, we couldn’t stop. Not even now. It’s like our favorite hobby. I misses your kisses.

I couldn’t have asked for a better first date. It’s unique, its special, its weird, and its all ours.

This is all ours, baby. One year and counting. I love you more than a cat loves milk, more than a bee loves honey, more than Kim Kardashian loves attention. I love you more than a fat kid loves cake, or a zombie loves brains.

“Hi beeb”

The first words you spoke to me in real-life. The best words I’ve ever heard.

Happy 365 days. Here’s to 18,262 more.

The Beginning

June 12th, 2010

The day I met you.

“I’ve seen your pictures, you’re not my type.” you boldly told me, a few weeks later.

“Are you calling me ugly?” was how I responded, followed by tears.

Unbeknownst to us, we had launched something bigger than either of us could have imagined.

Two and a half years later, I sit here and write this, listening to you mumble in your sleep. You’ve dozed off, as one of us usually does, and I hear you breathing into the phone. A gust of wind blasting into my ear.  At times like these, I know I love you. You’re innocent, vulnerable, and I wish more than anything that I could kiss your forehead and pull the blanket up to your chin. That’s the difficult part.  We’re so close, but yet we’re always so far away, too far to reach out and touch. Phones, instant messaging and video chatting can only go so far.

As of today, January 4th, 2013, I have been with you 4 times, since first meeting you a year ago on January 21st, 2012. We have spent a total of two weeks combined together, and three holidays. There is an average 107 days between each of our visits. Combined, we’ve spent 55 hours traveling to see each other, and currently, we live 1.5 hours apart, by plane.

It’s needless to say how much you mean to me. Even though we go through dry spells (the phone gets hard to bear), have our shares of discontent, and even an occasional fight (why won’t you talk more?!), I can’t live without you. You are my oxygen, my heart, my  other half. This isn’t some kind of puppy love either. I can’t inhale without you. Believe me, I’m not the type of ohmygodlovemeorI’lldie either.

So, this is my journal for you.

To share our trials and tribulations, to give advice, to rant and rave to someone else. To pour my heart into pages of something that one day I {maybe} will let you read.  If you behave.

Love always and all ways,

Me

P.S. I’m glad I’m now referred to as “the most beautiful girl in the world.” We’ve come a long way.